I guess it’s time to start over.

A show I used to watch where Iyanla fixed women's lives.  Courtesy of Wikipedia.com .

Recently, I sat down and watched one of Iyanla Vanzant’s latest projects called, adequately, “Iyanla… Fix my _____” where the underscore is whatever it is that you need fixing.

I remember watching her earlier endeavors, like the show “Starting Over.”  Just like that show, the one she has now comes on late in the day or either in the wee early morning hours when I don’t even really have anything else to do than watch TV.  People come on the show with not-so-messed-up issues, Iyanla takes an alternative look at it, and then turns the problem and even your own expectations on how to solve them on their head.

So, what’s the point of watching all this stuff?  And what does this even have to do with panic attacks?

As a diagnosed PTSD/Generalized Anxiety/OCD/Depression sufferer, I’m always trying to find a way to resolve whatever it is that’s wrong with me.  I grew up thinking that I’d never be good enough to lead a normal life and a big chunk of me still feels that.  It has cost me opportunities to excel and perform way above my means.  It has also lost me many people in my life.  So, as a result, every few years I have to start my entire life over.

Recently, I’ve had to rethink the way I deal with things.  Before now, I mainly stuck to dumping everything in my life: relationships (both intimate and platonic), jobs, personal projects, and even my clothing.  I’d move into a new place and start my life from scratch.  This would make turn number 3 for me.  There exists pictures and remnants of my older two lives.  And sometimes my parents and family like to reminisce on them.  But for the most part, I completely dump it out and just try again.

So far, turn number 3 has its pluses and minuses, as all the other turns did.  For the most part, I dumped them because I knew that, as a whole, the sculpture of my life was not turning out to be the masterpiece that I knew it could be.  It was based on too many lies and deceit that I had created for myself and some that came from other people.  I decided that I couldn’t keep doing this to myself and the people in my life didn’t fit the new way that I was thinking.  So I dumped… everything.

Turn number 3 is much better than 1 and 2.  2 was leaps better than 1.  Right now, I’m assessing as to whether or not turn number 4 needs to happen.  If that’s the case, then it’s going to be much harder, this time.  I’m approaching my 40th year of life and things seem to have taken a turn for the less desirable.  Almost 50 years of progress are in danger of being revoked… and the promise of freedom for gay, lesbian, and transgender people seems to have taken a back seat to the civil rights issues that we were quite sure were already over and done with.

I feel like I need to stay put, although I still yearn to make a complete turn in my life at its current point.  I want to start over so bad, but I know I’d be doing nothing more than throwing a wrench in my own plans for continued success.  I think carefully over what has been happening in my life and try to make the right decision for myself.  I hear the people in my life tell me that I have a hold on my life, while I sit in session and feel like I definitely don’t.  Maybe there’s something large that’s missing… some huge piece that would make everything fall into place and the picture more clear for me to see.

I try not to bother with changing too much, right now.  I’m trying to be content with small changes, but I do still ache for that mass change.  The excitement of not knowing mixed with the elation of being “done with that mess” seems too tempting to not indulge.  But I still know, I’ll pay in pain.


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